Keeper of the Clown Bell

Roger Simon is in the limo with Bush & Romney taking pot shots at the GOP “clown car” (cleaver, right?) which he claims is now a clown van (LOL). I’d call it a clown short bus, but that’s me.

Simon is a shill for GOP establishment talking points and sober minded analysis of GOP political consultant approved conventional wisdom. So let me unpack the GOP clown short bus for him.

• Jeb Bush – Scion of the most improbable political dynasty in American history – how these Greenwich, CT blue-bloods have pulled it off is baffling.
• Chris Christie – A fat bully who loves Bruce Springsteen AND the Dallas Cowboys – that’s fine for Jersey, but shows deep personal disfunction. Loving either Springsteen or the Cowboys would raise serious red flags, but loving them both disqualifies the candidate.
• Rand Paul – Ron Paul’s son and named after a girl and he does love Liberty but Libertarians scare the shit out of the GOP.
• Ted Cruz – Cuban/Canadian badass and probably the sharpest knife in the GOP drawer but watching him twist the nuts of the GOP Senate bulls is so much fun that I hope he never leaves.
• John Kasich – A postman’s son (did you know that?), the guy knows how to balance a government budget but I think his personality is too goofy and he does a very strange hand movement when speaking so maybe Sec. of Whatever.
• Scott Walker – Dragon slayer with a hard-on for Public Sector Unions and a will to win and win and win – The GOP could do worse.
• Mike Pence – Taller than Mitch Daniels and more articulate than Dan Quayle – even Vox can figure this one out.
• Mitt Romney – Rich, 2 time looser, Mormon who looks like a President – he “want’s to be President” as do they all.
• Rick Perry – States rights Democrat who supported Al Gore in the 1988 Presidential race and doesn’t know what Federal Departments he would eliminate if he ever had the chance – which he won’t.
• Ben Carson – The good doctor basically has zero qualifications to be President of the United States but why should that stop him?
• Susana Martinez – She’s a Hispanic Woman who was an unhappy Democrat until some white men sat her down and explained that she really should be a happy Republican and then she became Gov. of New Mexico which happens to be the bluest of the blue States so…
• Marco Rubio – The cherub of American Conservatism, he was thrown in the snake pit of Senate immigration working group early on and that was that.
• Rick Santorum – He won Iowa in 2012, but who gives a damn what Iowa thinks? 
• Bobby Jindal – The happy warrior from Louisiana will face withering racial stereotyping from the sensitive left – already has – and as we know, they don’t let up.
• Carly Fiorina – Ran HP into the ground, served as “advisor” to John McCain then lost Senate race to a true political hack named Barbara Boxer – She never had children and cut off her breasts in a cancer fight – who knows, she might win.
• George Pataki – The mayor of Peekskill will get a lifetime pass because he defeated the Sfachime in 1994 and, for him, that’s a good thing.
• John Thune – 6’4″ of GOP man who understands Agriculture policy and Commerce – he ain’t running for President.
• Lindsey Graham – Didn’t the GOP run Lindsey Graham in 2008? I know it’s imperative to win the South Carolina’s primary for any Republican candidate to secure the nomination but can you imagine having to listen to that voice for 4 friggin’ years!
• Donald Trump – This man is the prototype loud mouth self-made financier who can say virtually anything and take any position because 1. he’s got a wall of money around him and 2. he’ll never get nominated. Not serious, but entertaining (you know, a clown).
• Bob Corker – He actually understands Foreign Policy and President Corker sounds fabulous but I don’t see it – stay in the Senate and do your job.
• Mike Huckabee – See Rick Santorum.
• Peter King – OOFAH! Fucking Pete King as President?! Sweet Jesus, how did he get on this list? 
• Bob Ehrlich – Who? (just kidding) I know, I know – Turtle from the turtle state – Lost to (My Favorite) Martian O’Malley who, as the world turns, also wants to run for President for the other team – let’s not have a rematch.
• Paul Ryan – He’s already out – Go Scott Walker!

• Sarah Palin – American Sniper who picks off their candidates with focused resolve and no remorse. 

Roger Simon says this was a “speech of such incoherence that even veteran Palin-watchers were puzzled.” You be the judge, but it sounds like classic Mama grizzly to me – shooting wolves from a chopper for the love of the hunt. If I were Roger Simon I’d keep my head down and stay out of her sight.