Keeper of the Clown Bell

Received this today. Whoever said the northeastern liberal elite were mealy-mouthed?

>Fuck the South. Fuck ’em. We should have let them go when they wanted

>to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they’d stay

>part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves –

>yeah, those are states we want to keep.

>

>And now what do we get? We’re the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal

>Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The

>Authentic America. Really?

>

>Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers

>you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think

>they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your

>assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn’t bother to

>read thefirst half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those

>wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking

>blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think

>there might be a reason allthe fucking monuments are up here in our

>backyard?

>

>No, No. Get the fuck out. We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell

>and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American

>selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you

>think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking

>blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their

>fucking Subarustogether and broken off from New York a little earlier.

>Get it? We started thisshit, so don’t get all uppity about how real you

>are you Johnny-come-lately “Oooooh I’ve been a state for almost a

>hundred years” dickheads. Fuck off.

>

>Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking

>arrogant? What’s more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I

>don’t think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means

>to be American. And I wouldn’t be so fucking arrogant if I wasn’t

>paying for your fuckingbridges, bitch.

>

>All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes

>to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority

>electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time

>Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want

>to, but you’re the ones who built on a fucking swamp. “Let the Spanish

>keep it, it¹s a shithole,” we said, but you had to have your fucking

>orange juice.

>

>The next dickwad who says, “It¹s your money, not the government’s

>money”is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get

>the mostfederal fucking dollars and pay the least… can you guess? Go

>on, guess. That¹s right, motherfucker, they’re red states. And eight of

>the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It¹s too easy,

>asshole, they¹reblue states. It¹s not your money, assholes, it¹s

>fucking our money. What wasthat Real American Value you were spouting a

>minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own

>fucking stop signs, assholes.

>

>Let¹s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your

>Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values

>over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which

>state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping

>dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It¹s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking

>center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that¹s right, the state you

>love to tie aroundthe neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has

>the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that¹s just some

>aberration? How about this: 9of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking

>blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values

>suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking

>guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we’re-so-fucking-moral

>states. And while Nevada is the worst, the BibleBelt is doing its

>fucking part.

>

>But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you?

>Yeah? Seems like you’re ruining it pretty well on your own, you little

>bastards. Oh, but that’s ok because you go to church, right? I mean you

>do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at

>election time. Yes, we’re fascinated by how you get up every Sunday

>morning and sing, and then you’re fucking towers of moral superiority.

>Yeah, that’s a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don’t

>talk about religion as much as you because we’re not so busy sinning,

>hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you’re too

>busy erecting giant stone tabletsof the Ten Commandments in buildings

>paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the

>highest murder rates in the nation? It ain’t us up here in the North,

>assholes.

>

>Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing,

>federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou,

>hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

>

>And no, you can’t have your fucking convention in New York next time.

>Fuck off.